Do you ever struggle with being a sensual wife, a passionate lover who enjoys sex with her husband, and being a godly woman? If you have, you are not alone.
We all walk into marriage with different expectations and voices that have told us what sex should be. We are sent messages from media that sex just naturally happens, tiredness disappears when the lights dim, and both partners experience mind-blowing orgasms every time. Back in the day, wives often viewed sex as a duty – to endure, but not to enjoy. The only proper position was “missionary,” while under the covers with the lights out of course.
Although many women believe sex is a gift from God, they still can’t give themselves permission to revel in the sensuous pleasures of married love. They miss out on the ability to delight in their physical union with their husband.
So if the Bible is our instruction book for life, and I believe it is, what does God have to say about sex in marriage and our role as a wife?
Well, let’s turn to one hot, sexy, sensual book in the Bible: Song of Solomon. With Valentine’s Day this month, I encourage you to read this book. In it you will find the courtship, wedding, and marriage of King Solomon and Shulamith, described poetically and unfolding like a movie. The book contains several flashbacks, so don’t get lost in the search for chronological order or put off by the erotic symbolism.
Shulamith is a godly and sensual woman – responsive, adventurous, uninhibited, expressive, and in the moment. She sets up a room for her husband on one occasion, dances for him, tells him what she wants, and draws out the anticipation, as they delight in sight, smell, touch, taste, and sound – all of their senses. Their inspired words depict love in all its spontaneity, beauty, power and exclusiveness.
In the book Intimate Issues by Dillow and Pintus, the authors explain, “God wants us to understand the beauty and freedom of our sexuality. Through the young bride Shulamith, God unveils the portrait of a godly, sensuous wife and, because His blessing is upon her, we can follow her example with confidence.”
When I was in my early 20’s, my husband and I were part of a young married couples small group at church, where we chose to read Song of Solomon and study it. I had no idea images and words like these were in the Bible! Being a new Christian and a young wife, I was intrigued to learn how God viewed our marriage relationship. I’m grateful to have studied this book and have realized early on that I can be a sensuous, godly wife and maintain that identity as a mom.
Becoming a sensuous wife begins in two places: on our knees in prayer and in our mind, the sexual command center. Start by praying that God will give you an openness and a desire to be free and confident with your husband. A change of heart leads to changes in action. Praying to God about your sex life may sound awkward, but He created it and cares. I have prayed for desire when I wasn’t feeling it on a particular day, and honestly, God has provided.
Secondly, many experts say that our sexual feelings begin in our mind. According to Dr. Douglas Rosenau, theologian and Christian sex therapist, “Sex is 80 percent imagination and mind and 20 percent friction.” (Dillow & Pintus)
Let’s go back to Shulamith for our example. She thinks about her lover, undressing him from head to toe and describing his naked body with delight. She gets ready in her mind before physical intimacy. She wisely prepares the room to create a visually pleasing space, with scents and tastes. As she thinks, visualizes, and prepares, she becomes aroused and free physically to love her husband with passion and with words that build him up. He in turn continues to fall in love over and over with the wife of his youth.
This week consider how you think about love making. Are there any adjustments needed to your internal dialogue?
Part 2 – will include how to add sizzle to your sex life, his needs vs. her needs, and how to relate when he is a microwave and you are a crock pot.
Suggested Books: Found on my Resource page
Intimate Issues 21 Questions Christian Women Ask About Sex by Linda Dillow & Lorraine Pintus.
The Sexually Confident Wife, Connecting with your husband mind – body – heart- spirit by Shannon Ethridge