Intimacy is a vital part of marriage. It can also be a source of frustration and tension if you get out of sync. This topic is rarely discussed but is a genuine issue in many relationships.
If you’re married, chances are you’ve had a sex fight. Disappointment or anger over unmet expectations can be the root cause.
I’ve commented multiple times to my husband that you’d think after 31 years of marriage, we’d have our expectations and intimacy thing perfected, but nope! We still need to “pre-game” to ensure we are on the same page sometimes, and honestly, we still don’t get it right.
My husband is way better at this than I am. He can express himself more clearly and is comfortable sharing what he has in mind. I’d rather just go with the flow and not use words.
Seasons are different. Every encounter is different. Our expectations are often different. Maybe you had an idea of what your time together would be like, or your spouse did, and it didn’t work out for whatever reason.
When intimate expectations are not met, hurt feelings and resentment builds. How do you prevent unmet expectations from occurring?
Since we aren’t mind readers, it is helpful to talk in advance about how you picture your time together. It can be as simple as, “What are you up for tonight?”
Speaking of words, how easy is it for you to share what you desire as a couple? If using proper terms for body parts is awkward, simply makeup creative names. This unique love language is one that only the two of you know, and you can refer to what you’d like in the kitchen or bedroom.
If using words to share what you’d prefer is still too difficult, simply place his hand where you want it to go. Caress your face and your body, and lead him.
Afterward, communicate what you enjoyed and would want to do again. Gently discuss what didn’t work well and how to change it for next time.
If speaking it out loud is too uncomfortable, write a note or create a survey for you each to fill out.
Sample Survey Questions:
What is your favorite time of day to be intimate?
Where is your favorite place?
What is your favorite position?
What would your ideal love-making session consist of?
How many times a week?
Are lights on or off?
Shall we use toys?
Does music distract you or add to the mood?
What fantasy do you have, and how can I make it happen?
Being physically intimate is never the same twice. By God’s design, I think He made us that way. Making love is the beautiful act of two becoming one. Created by God for our pleasure and unity, the physical act transcends to a spiritual connection. Afterward, we are weaved together more tightly than before. As you know, this permeates all aspects of your relationship.
In our experience, we’ve come up with something that works and has led to less disappointment. Instead of waiting until after a date night or dinner, when we come home stuffed and tired, we have chosen “dessert” first and then go out. Usually, this still means a glass of wine, a little unwinding, and updating before “dessert” – then out for a fun night. (Disclaimer – we are empty nesters, so this works for us). However, we wish we’d done this sooner. (Lock the bedroom door and order pizza for the kids – then go on a date night.) The good stuff, the priority gets accomplished.
In the book, Intimate Issues: 21 Questions Christian Women Ask About Sex, by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus, they share 3 Kinds of Love Making:
Hors d’oeuvre sex: (a.k.a. “Quickies”) 3-5 minutes, once in a while, like an appetizer, it satisfies and whets the appetite for an excellent regular meal.
Home-cooked sex: The staple of most couple’s sexual diet, 15-30 minutes of warmth, foreplay, and intercourse. 5 minutes for him, 25 minutes for her, and 5 minutes to enjoy the afterglow of lying together in love. (Give or take on that time frame)
Gourmet Sex: The sexual encounter women (and men) dream about – long, lazy, luxurious romance with no responsibility except loving. “Vacation Sex” or “Saturday Morning Sex” – is not realistic for real everyday life, but it is vital to the life of a marriage. This is the spark that keeps the fire ignited.
Consider talking to your spouse this weekend about intimate expectations, paving the way for satisfying intimacy. Bon Appetite!
What type of communication has worked well in your relationship? Please share in the comments below. I’d love to learn from you!
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